Just over the phone, a friend told me about her awkward situation at a recent local event she was invited to attend.
A room was full of people, surrounded by laughter and conversation, creating a joyful atmosphere… But somehow, she felt very distant from these people and what they were talking about. She found herself putting on forced smiles and struggling to engage. Simultaneously, she yearned to enjoy the conversation and forge genuine connections but felt overwhelmed by the effort required to blend into the environment. Having a hard time to be herself, point blank period. 😶🌫️
I could relate to her experience of getting trapped in the bizarre twilight zone the moment she described it.
I think one of the most confusing parts about the spiritual path is how we, as humans, are social animals, and it’s natural to crave to be close to others, but our attachment to connection also creates so much suffering.
We’re born with a deep desire to belong to a group/tribe, but at the same time, we are also terrified of being ostracized, rejected, and isolated. It can feel like “death” for us, metaphorically speaking. 👻💀
A lot of times, to be accepted as a “normal individual” in any group setting, there’s a paradox of wanting to be seen as who we are but also not wanting to risk ourselves to be seen as the one sticking out like an oddball (aka our unique makeup). After all, it feels safer to pull back our need to express ourselves authentically before letting others even have a chance to judge us.
The tension between our human needs for social acceptance vs. our need for authenticity often creates a huge struggle. 🤼♂️
There comes a point when, as a child, we are authentically expressing our true needs and feelings (e.g., we scream or cry to express anger and disappointment, or we run wildly around the house in joy, but being seen as disruption;). And to our dismay, someone won’t want to meet the authentic expressions of our needs (or not be able to).
The caregivers might withhold connection/love because they were too stressed or depressed or traumatized themselves or for any other reason.
If we don’t receive the love and connection we need as a child, we often become obsessed with being liked as adolescents and adults.
We start to become someone others perhaps really like – someone super friendly or even super helpful… but it isn’t coming from a genuine place. It’s from a fear of not being liked, of losing our connection to those around us.
When we constantly do things we don’t truly want to do and over-focus on how to manage the expectation of others towards us- this “niceness” becomes a coping mechanism. It becomes an energetic misalignment that sabotages our internal/external harmony.
We end up suppressing our own needs, which might not seem all that critical since everyone is talking about how nice we are; we feel safe, right?😐
People may say great things about our likeability, but is this form of niceness our soul’s high-way? 🧐
I believe an important key to softening the social tension is to focus on doing our part by allowing ourselves to be seen as who we are in the moment while letting others be themselves. As we explore each other’s similarities & differences in a group setting with genuine curiosity, the internal fear of “being judged” by others may dissipate naturally. 💞💞💞
And on top, by you showing up as the natural you, you never know if there’s another hidden unicorn in the room that might be inspired or awakened to honor their own unique expression!🥰🦄
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt torn between being authentically yourself and conforming to fit in? How did you navigate that balance between staying true to who you are and seeking social acceptance?
Would love to hear your experience & insights!
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
xoxo,
Jen
